Doh! I missed yesterday!

I ought to get my joys in first, but I need to rant a bit.

I want to spank my kids soundly and put them to bed. Well, they are in bed already, but in a way, I want to wake them up and spank them again and then send them to bed. But I also want to hug them and give them a warm, happy feeling when they think of me and our home. I want to literally wash their mouths out with soap. I want to talk some sense into them! I want this snotty attitude (it's turning green, not a good sign) to dry up and go away before it turns into an infection.

What in the world am I doing trying to parent? Sometimes I am the worst! I am so frustrated this evening, I was making no sense getting mad at them. B wants to wear a specific skort to school (with tights in the cold), and I had to get it in the wash. Ug. I am doing this, and then I am mad because she is not helping me. I think I am really mad because she seems so ungrateful for my efforts to get it clean. Then I realize that J has no clean white socks---Ug. This has to be another load of clothes. I didn't think to check this, and throw a pair in with the darks. No. I have to wash a load of whites. I am resentful. I don't know why I am feeling so intense about this!

J picks up the phone while I am outside with the dogs, and as I walk in, I hear (in a harsh, sarcastic tone), "Love you, too!" and a slamming down of the phone. What? I look at caller ID and figure out it is someone trying to get in touch with me about my CDA test Friday. What? Why is he talking to a total stranger like this? I need to talk to this person AND put on a professional front for them (I think?). I'm nervous about this, and I go off on J about his bad words, his non-thinking-ahead-of-time blasts from his mouth, about how he shouldn't ever answer the phone again, etc. I am in a crazy place. He stalks out of room in tears, and when we finally reunite, he thinks I think it is his fault that the person on the other end "hung up on him." It is an evening of miscommunication. I more calmly explain that I am not upset that the connection didn't get made between that phone and ours (apparently, he said hello a couple of times and didn't hear anything at all except finally a dial tone, so he hung up, with Comments). I think we came to an understanding finally. But it all started (this incident came before the other one with the clothes!!) when I went off on him. I'm out of control crazy. No business being a parent tonight, but of course, I will not see Larry in the evening this week at all because He is in a production with TROUPE (not J this time!). So, the poor kids---with crazy Mom. Too bad for them!

Okay, I need to pull it together, at least before I am alone with them tomorrow afternoon. What I need to do is sleep, probably!

I did have a joy in the midst of the crazy evening.

• J gave me a high five when I helped him figure out a Spanish word, using a dictionary. The exact word was not there, but a form of the word was there, enough for J to say, "Oh! 'burning'! That makes sense there. Okay Mom!" (high five inserted here)
• My Coca-Cola at lunch. In the middle of a day where I felt like I was left 'hung out to dry," that Coke tasted sooooooo good.
• Stringing popcorn with B and her Brownie troop this afternoon. I love doing that! And it looks great hung on the tree. J even did the stringing with them, since I was committed to being there, and I and no where else to send J. He actually behaved very well amongst all those "little sisters" in the room ;-)

So what kind of home do I have? It certainly isn't ideal. I'm crazy! And I have a messy house. I have no fruit for lunches tomorrow. I just feel like I am doing everything wrong some days. I don't even know if I am really covering the "important things." Equipping the kids for real life.

Bleh! I just need to stop and go sleep this off!