slice of my life

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Doh! I missed yesterday!

I ought to get my joys in first, but I need to rant a bit.

I want to spank my kids soundly and put them to bed. Well, they are in bed already, but in a way, I want to wake them up and spank them again and then send them to bed. But I also want to hug them and give them a warm, happy feeling when they think of me and our home. I want to literally wash their mouths out with soap. I want to talk some sense into them! I want this snotty attitude (it's turning green, not a good sign) to dry up and go away before it turns into an infection.

What in the world am I doing trying to parent? Sometimes I am the worst! I am so frustrated this evening, I was making no sense getting mad at them. B wants to wear a specific skort to school (with tights in the cold), and I had to get it in the wash. Ug. I am doing this, and then I am mad because she is not helping me. I think I am really mad because she seems so ungrateful for my efforts to get it clean. Then I realize that J has no clean white socks---Ug. This has to be another load of clothes. I didn't think to check this, and throw a pair in with the darks. No. I have to wash a load of whites. I am resentful. I don't know why I am feeling so intense about this!

J picks up the phone while I am outside with the dogs, and as I walk in, I hear (in a harsh, sarcastic tone), "Love you, too!" and a slamming down of the phone. What? I look at caller ID and figure out it is someone trying to get in touch with me about my CDA test Friday. What? Why is he talking to a total stranger like this? I need to talk to this person AND put on a professional front for them (I think?). I'm nervous about this, and I go off on J about his bad words, his non-thinking-ahead-of-time blasts from his mouth, about how he shouldn't ever answer the phone again, etc. I am in a crazy place. He stalks out of room in tears, and when we finally reunite, he thinks I think it is his fault that the person on the other end "hung up on him." It is an evening of miscommunication. I more calmly explain that I am not upset that the connection didn't get made between that phone and ours (apparently, he said hello a couple of times and didn't hear anything at all except finally a dial tone, so he hung up, with Comments). I think we came to an understanding finally. But it all started (this incident came before the other one with the clothes!!) when I went off on him. I'm out of control crazy. No business being a parent tonight, but of course, I will not see Larry in the evening this week at all because He is in a production with TROUPE (not J this time!). So, the poor kids---with crazy Mom. Too bad for them!

Okay, I need to pull it together, at least before I am alone with them tomorrow afternoon. What I need to do is sleep, probably!

I did have a joy in the midst of the crazy evening.
  • J gave me a high five when I helped him figure out a Spanish word, using a dictionary. The exact word was not there, but a form of the word was there, enough for J to say, "Oh! 'burning'! That makes sense there. Okay Mom!" (high five inserted here)
  • My Coca-Cola at lunch. In the middle of a day where I felt like I was left 'hung out to dry," that Coke tasted sooooooo good.
  • Stringing popcorn with B and her Brownie troop this afternoon. I love doing that! And it looks great hung on the tree. J even did the stringing with them, since I was committed to being there, and I and no where else to send J. He actually behaved very well amongst all those "little sisters" in the room ;-)

So what kind of home do I have? It certainly isn't ideal. I'm crazy! And I have a messy house. I have no fruit for lunches tomorrow. I just feel like I am doing everything wrong some days. I don't even know if I am really covering the "important things." Equipping the kids for real life.

Bleh! I just need to stop and go sleep this off!

4 Comments:

  • You are in the real world,there is no ideal home at all times. Your kids will dissapoint you at differewnt times and you will wonder "why did I want them." but the good will at the end outway the bad. You are giving them the important things LOVE,and a stable home. You just had a bad day and tomorrow will be better!
    Granny

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wednesday, December 06, 2006 6:36:00 PM  

  • You are over evaluating and worrying too much about your parenting! Remeber being yelled at at home when you all woke me up whenI had worked the night before. Teach your kids to wash their OWN clothes. They are at the age when I taught you and R. I never had to worry about whethter you had clean clothes again. You both kept up with what you whanted to wear and got it clean your selves. I never kew if you aore clothes taht were dirty or not but you both always looked very good and clean.

    As Granny said no home is perfect. We are human. Although I never wondered why I wanted you and your sister.

    Mom

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wednesday, December 06, 2006 8:25:00 PM  

  • Oh Jenny. I know, I know ... sometimes life just seems so hard. You are an amazing mom ... and yes, you are being waaay too hard on yourself. It's okay though ... it's just because you want to be perfect for your kids. Jenny, you ARE perfect for them ... as is evidenced by the fact God gave them to you.

    I am amazed by you and the energy you put into creating memories for your kids. You are creative, loving, and just too cool for words.

    Things always seem darker and more desperate at night. Everything will be better in the morning. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. Jenny, God bless you for being a mom!!!

    jan

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wednesday, December 06, 2006 9:20:00 PM  

  • p.s. Don't worry about making mistakes with your kids. They will learn just as much if not more from watching you make mistakes ... and then making things right ... and forgiving yourself.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wednesday, December 06, 2006 9:32:00 PM  

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